Yeah, I suck. I haven't updated in over 2 months. Mostly because nothing of note happened to me in the area of sexuality besides plenty of it from my now-boyfriend of 1 year. I had an unsettling dream about seducing a roommate of mine, one I don't have any feelings for remotely. I figured it out later, realizing that for me, sex is power. Putting people at my mercy sexually makes me feel powerful. Said roommate had something I wanted. In dominating her in my dreams, I "won".

Of course, this means I am severely fucked up in my love life. Forcing my boyfriend into sex this past weekend made me realize that I had become addicted to the feelings of power and euphoria, not into pleasing him.

I kissed a girl friend of mine while tipsy. I came out to my sister, who didn't care, saying, "You have your boyfriend anyway." I was upset at the beginning, but it was silly to want a big scene.

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So, here I am, going to use this blog to say things I can't say out loud. Not all of it will deal with my sexuality because my sexuality isn't everything.

What's on my mind?
I'm sitting outside the Black Box Theatre about to go in for my private lesson for Musical Theatre class. I'm sick and guzzling orange juice like it's going out of style. I haven't done a blog in a long, long while, leaving my livejournal and greatestjournal completely abandoned. But I'm trying again. Something about the rain falling outside has made me introspective.

If you asked me six years ago what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said an actress, with some random career as a backup. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to act. It was something I felt so strongly that no matter how many times I scanned the cast lists at my high school and saw my name at the bottom, I would put my heart and soul into being the best damn ensemble person ever. I wouldn't trade my years doing theatre for anything -- even for bigger roles back then -- because perhaps if I did, I wouldn't have met any of the friends and acquaintances I did. I wouldn't have met the love of my life.

Six years later (not necessarily six years wiser), I'm still auditioning my ass off for productions here. Nothing yet, and I'm now 0 for 2 auditions-wise right now. Some days, when I see a cast list that doesn't have my name on it, I want to throw in the towel. Lately, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I won't be able to do this professionally. In the grand scheme of things, my resume is abyssmal. No director will look at my resume and seriously consider me.

So what are my professional options? Two majors, media production and theatre, only one of which has viable options for steady employment. I'm going to have to start figuring out what I'm doing after I graduate. Some people know already in my class. I envy them. I've changed my masters twice already and I'm nowhere closer to an answer.

I don't have my life figured out. And I never will.

I'm not looking for pity or empty words. I need a direction, and an answer.